it's all about you

It's all about you, as it always has been.

I suppose you'll never know how much of you is still here with me.

Take Care of yourself.

redirection ?

I sit here paused in front of my computer.

There are so many things running through my mind. So many thoughts , so many hopes, so many dreams and so many past memories that's keeping me still. So much to share, so much to shout about...yet, nothing much really.

Am I seeking for a redirection in life? Or am I realizing the direction of what life was always supposed to be , only now? I wanna go out to foreign lands, try my luck , dig my own gold. Yet, I'm doubting if it is merely wishful thinking ? I kept on telling myself not to look back at what's holding me back but to make full use of what's present now to move on in life, in my career and in love. I know myself, I know once I'm kicked off the cliff, I'll soar. But it is the fear of jumping off the cliff that's preventing me to fly.

Why?

You know what? I still miss you. You know, I've told you that I'm running the opposite direction as fast as my legs could take me. And yet, I'm carrying everything of you with me as I run. As cliche as it sounds, it does takes a lifetime to forget someone, especially when that someone happends to be you. My loyalty kills me, my loyalty numbs my senses and hinders all reflects of the heart to run from danger. I'm sorry, I'm me. Everything I see reminds me of you. I've come so far, but I've brought you with me all through the journey. My heart need to be redirected.

I try so hard at work. I'm committed yet I don't feel appreciated. I feel taken advantage of. But then again I'm being me. I should really learn to pledge loyalty to the right authority, plan my war strategy. Maybe my career need a redirection. I'm taking baby steps, I think I haven't gone far enough to get caught up in the routine of total working class obliviousness. But then again, I'm too scared to loose the financial security, independence to self-support. I'm at the bottom of the food chain , if I fall it shouldn't been a major crash right? So I'm navigating my way up the ladder, finding my footings, and should I fall, I hope to have found the ropes to grip onto , to dangle from , while I steady myself . Ah, my career needs to be redirected.

It's silly to live trying to be passionate about something when really, your passion is something else. But then again, if I'm given the chance to turn back and redecide, will I ever be able to live up to the expectations that life has of me? It's silly really to live life based on TV series , books and stories from pals, wishing somehow you had your version of their story to tell too.

I hope the day I find courage to leap off the cliff and let the winds lift me up to soar will come soon. Soon enough before my dreams are redirected .

Talking Metrobus

It's great being 100% myself again. The past week has seen me succumbing to dizzy spells and bouts of flu. Here are some random thoughts and experiences while riding on Metrobus 21 to work everyday :

- It's great to have the bus driver waving at you and telling you to take your time to cross the road. He'll wait for you to get on the bus =)

- The conductors know exactly where you're going. They hand you the ticket even before you attempt to say anything.

- You know which side of the bus to sit on so that you don't get the sun.

- I hate it when you're on a bus and there is a seat available, and obviously you're going towards it and some inconsiderate guy just pushes past you ( pushing you also) and plonks himself there !

- Once a Bangladeshi gentleman gave up his seat for me in a crowded bus , because I'm a lady . He stood all the way throughout the journey. He made me smile.

- I pity elderly women who has to resort to being bus conductors to earn a living. Knee pain an all. Sigh =/ life's unfair sometimes.

- Life's so hectic these days. I find santuary on the bus. One and a half hours of time to just let your mind wonder, read or catch some sleep.

- Giving your seat for the elderly or expecting mothers always makes you feel good inside. It's a win-win situation.

- I wonder if the middle age working people takes the bus out of convenience or necessity . Please God, when I'm their age I want to be chauffeur driven...

- In the morning, everyone's smelling nice. Women with smooth powdered faces and men with neatly combed hair . Everything's so proper .

- I share the stress on the faces of school kids on the 8am bus. It really feels bad being late for school.

Haven't been myself lately

Calm

It's Saturday today.

And for the first time in weeks I get to wake up without being rudely interrupted by the alarm clock and the phone. The latter is much kinder as it allows me to snooze a little, if I agree to perform a little chaotic-dashing-around-the-house-getting-ready-grabbing-all-I-can-before-Metrobus 21-comes performance. Hah !

It's Saturday today.

And for the first time in four months since I've started working I get to spend this alternate non-working Saturday waking up doing nothing . Every Saturday (Friday nights and Sundays too actually) since have been spent on my assignment , toiling over the backbreaking hours of model making or CAD drafting and in the final weeks preparing for the final exam. And when sem ends I make that road trip back to Melaka which ever weekend I can. My semester's starting Monday. So I'll be back juggling the module with office work.

It's Saturday today.

And I'm kicking back and relaxing while Jack Johnson does his stuff in the background. Chamomile tea and a long catching up chat with Ruebs . That's how Saturdays should be.

Bumps of new skin

It's been more than a year since I last posted anything on my blog. I have tried a few time to retrive my password but the help support email never came. So here it is, in-link-with-G-ii.

I'm looking back at the past year, and pulling over by the side of memory lane just to find myself gazing at the path that I've travelled. The journey I took at the age of 21 , the people I met, decesions I've made , some that I'm not so proud myself. As I stand here Iooking , I remember the lessons I've learnt, experiences I gained in trade with hardwork and hardknocks *wink*

One thing I've learn to teach myself is to choose the battles that I fight. There are many things , worries, issues that seek to captivate your thoughts and drain your emotional strengths. Some battles we fight with our mind others with our hearts. However, things can be pathetically tricky when it comes to the matters of the heart. Most often than not, we allow ourselves to be wounded. But when the bleeding has stopped the pain is gone , and slowly the wound dries up . What is left after time is the scar that reminds us of the battle we had once fought , and as the fingertips caresses these bumps of new skin , may we realize that we have fought a worthwhile battle . We've gone to the frontline and came back. We've survived.